Senior Citizens Jokes

STINGY OLD LAWYER

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

LOOKING GOOD

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

THE RETIREMENT HOME

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked. 

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

BUMPER SNICKERS

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ It’s hard to think of my dear old granny in that way. What is she doing? Out entering wet shawl contests? Wheelchair racing? Teeth swapping? Makes me wonder where she got that ten-dollar bill she gave me for my birthday.

EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

You know how important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

RETIREMENT, A WIFE’S VIEW

A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:

“Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”

REALITY CHECK

•  Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
•  Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
•  Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
• How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just think of Algebra.
•  You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
• Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of and gradually approach 18.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
• Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind that they don’t recognize you.
• If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.